Itchy feet again

I hate being in the same place for too long.
(where “the same place” = Canada, and “too long” = 2 months)

Learning how to trust

Anyone who knows me in an even remotely intimate way–yay oxymorons–knows that my obsession with honesty has been slightly more intense than than could readily be considered healthy.

I believe that the world and everything in it operates from two poles: love and fear. I believe that everything we do is motivated by one or both of those things. And I believe that for quite some time my position on honesty has come from a mixture of the two.

First of all there is my ideological stance that openness and honesty are the keys to human happiness–my belief that people suffer and hate only because they hide from themselves and from others. This arises out of love.

But aside from that there is the fact that I am just afraid. I am afraid of being lied to, or of being betrayed. I’ve always hated surprises. I’ve never thought it was really possible to justify little white lies. I had to survey every side of every situation just to make sure that noone was trying to slip anything by me. I’ve always needed to know way more than I actually needed to know–and I have found from experiance that purporting to be an honesty guru is a great (read: effective) way of guilting those close to me into being as forthright with me as they can be. This arises out of fear.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I can feel something really exciting happening right now. There is something that is teaching me how to let go of my fear-motivated need for honesty. …Like a fire deprived of oxygen, I can feel it dying away.

I will always be an advocate for honesty. But perhaps in the future I may be a healthier one–one step closer to erradicating all those parts of me motivated by fear.

New Poem

Check it out (again if that’s your kinda thing). It’s less upbeat than the last. But still kinda cool I think (although I’m admittedly biased). It falls into the category of “things-I-write-in-hopes-of-eradicating”, but also into the category of “things-I-feel-that-I-am-trying-to-accept-in-myself-for-now”.

Business, Busy-ness and Beautiful Transitions

So I haven’t posted in a while.

Mostly this is because I have been intensely busy. This week I finally came to terms with the fact that for the sake of my sanity I would have to stop trying to make it to yoga practice every morning–it just hasn’t been doable. Most focus has been divided rather equally between ma new boy, and my old job (I’m sure everyone can guess which I’ve been enjoying spending time with more). This has left other things which I consider to be necessities, like my classwork, yoga practice and writing, on more of a backburner than I like to see them on. However, I like to think that during transition periods such transgressions are justifiable. I believe this to be the case especially where the transitions are of a positive, growth-inducing nature–and this has definately been a period blessed with transitions of that sort.

In other news, I will be moving soon (which I am psyched about) and am likely to be a published research advisor by this time next summer (which I am indescribably psyched about).

Life rocks frankly.
I hope everyone else is enjoying their summer.

An Apology

I have an apology to make. And given the nature of the transgression involved I feel a need to make it here.

A couple of weeks ago I posted something out of frustration and anger. I framed it as a response to a comment a friend had made–and that was unfair. My friend did make the comment, and it was a stupid silly thing to say. But it was a joke. The train of thought it set off in my mind was very much a result of my own preestablished concerns and ideas in this area: a number of things which had been on my mind recently. It was wrong of me to write it in such a way that implied he held any of the views on women and/or sexuality outlined within the post.

His views on this topic in general are actually ones that I respect immensely. But more than that I respect and value the fact that he is a friend with whom I can adamantly disagree quite frequently and yet can also discuss things openly and honestly with.

So ya…I am very sorry good sir. Thank you for taking it so seriously. Thanks for talking with me about it.

Love you tonnes and unconditionally as always.

**The post still stands because it does reflect thoughts of mine, which is what this blog is to be a compilation of. I acknowledge that it’s not one of my greater pieces of writing but it is what it is: an honest and raw, if somewhat unfounded, train of thought. I know my friend doesn’t hold any of the views I talked about–but the fact is that some people do, and many women do feel, and are made to feel like victims in times and in ways that are deplorable at best. The very fact that I could get that angry is a sign of those ideas permeating our social fabric. Let’s all try to not have that be the way it is.

Who I am at the onset of June ‘06

I am a yogi who respects and loves her body.
I am a research assistant who takes pride in her work.
I am a teacher who is inspired by the light in a child as he learns.
I am a friend who loves intimate conversation.
I am a student who is fascinated by new and engaging ideas.
I am a theist who believes that God’s love and acceptance are unconditional.
I am a citizen of the globe who is frightened by chemicals and awed by nature.
I am a humanist who believes honesty, acceptance and respect will save us.
I am a native speaker of English who loves the sound of new languages.
I am a woman who relishes in sexual encounters.
I am a girlfriend who is excited and motivated by untapped potentials for happiness.
I am a country-girl who believes that children need trees and canoes.
I am a daughter who wants eventually to build a beautiful family of her own.
I am a human who wants to celebrate being alive.
I am a person who believes in love.

I am a girl who struggles with internal demons that take the form of doubt, fear and existential angst. I am learning that should I choose to be I am infinitely more powerful than they are.

Puslinch Lake

I love Toronto. I love school, my job, kensington market…

But look at that sky. Living on a lake with canoes and water skiis, trees and paths through the forest…beats the city in the long run I’d say.